My kindness, empathy and accommodating nature have always been some of my strongest qualities – I’ve won awards for my helpfulness. As I grow older and perhaps wiser, though, I question whether those qualities are merely a trauma response, as people-pleasing often is.
When people-pleasing reaches the point of no return, when personal boundaries are no more, you ask yourself: “When is enough, enough?”
Are you constantly saying yes without question, when truthfully, you’d quite like to say no? Do you feel anxious at the thought of disappointing others, or feel guilty for not standing up for yourself? Do you allow other to walk all over you? You might be stuck in the cycle of people-pleasing.
While being considerate and kind is a wonderful trait, people-pleasing has personally become an unhealthy habit of mine, at the cost of my own well-being, peace and happiness. If that sounds like you, let’s have a closer look at how to set better boundaries and leave the harmful aspects of people-pleasing behind:
Why is people-pleasing so unhealthy?
At its core, people-pleasing stems from an unattainable desire for constant approval and validation. While it might seem harmless—after all, who doesn’t want to be liked? It is more than that. It can have damaging effects on the people pleaser:
Burnout and exhaustion: Always prioritising others leaves little time and energy for yourself. There is a reason why on aeroplanes they say: “Assist yourself before assisting others” You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Resentment and frustration: Suppressing your own needs to keep others happy can lead to bitterness over time. Often I resort to making myself feel small or accept behaviours because it will please the next person – it stops when you realise you are more than that.
Loss of identity: Constantly moulding yourself to fit others’ expectations can make you lose touch with your own desires and goals.
Anxiety and stress: The fear of disappointing others can create overwhelming mental strain.
One-sided relationships: People-pleasers often attract those who take advantage of their kindness.
The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle. The key to breaking free is setting clear boundaries.
5 boundaries to stop people-pleasing
Establishing boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, but they are essential for protecting your energy and mental health. Here are five crucial boundaries to set:
1. Learn to say no without guilt
Saying no doesn’t make you selfish or disrespectful, it makes you self-respecting. Start small—decline minor requests that don’t align with your priorities and work your way up.
2. Set time limits
If you tend to overcommit, establish clear time boundaries. For example, if a friend frequently calls to vent for hours, let them know you only have 20 minutes to chat. This prevents emotional drain while still offering support.
3. Stop over-apologising and over explaining
People-pleasers often apologise excessively, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. Replace “I’m sorry” with “Thank you for understanding” or “I appreciate your patience.”
4. Prioritise your needs
Before agreeing to something, ask yourself: Does this align with my values and goals? Do I genuinely want to do this? If the answer is no, honour your own well-being first.
5. Detach from others’ reactions
Setting boundaries may disappoint some people, but that’s okay. You are not responsible for managing their emotions. Healthy relationships respect mutual needs and limitations.
When to know enough Is enough
If you’re unsure whether you need to step back from people-pleasing, consider these signs:
- You feel drained after social interactions
- You say yes out of fear, not genuine desire
- Your own goals and priorities are suffering
- You feel guilty for putting yourself first
- You notice that people only reach out when they need something
If these signs resonate with you, it’s time to reassess your boundaries and make yourself a priority. Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or uncaring—it’s about learning to value yourself as much as you value others.
Personally, knowing when enough is enough has not been easy. Often when you give a hand, others take the entire arm. But learning to set boundaries and slowly releasing the shackles of people-pleasing is a transformative process, one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental and emotional health.
By prioritising your own needs, you cultivate deeper self-respect and attract relationships that are built on mutual care, not convenience. Ready to reclaim your time, energy, and peace? Let this be the year your turn to say ‘yes’ to yourself, like it will be for me.
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Featured image: Dupe Photos
