From how to duck out of family holiday traditions to letting your teenagers stay home alone, we asked the experts to answer your questions…
Question:
The friend my 13-year-old daughter is bringing on holiday often wears revealing clothes. What do I say to both girls about covering up without scaring them?
Answer:
Prime your daughter about your concerns and ask her to ward off any really unsuitable outfits on your behalf, so everyone can avoid the embarrassment of you tackling the friend directly. If you do end up having to address the issue in person, don’t alienate the girls by making them feel ashamed or judged. Start by asking in a friendly, neutral way what kind of messages you feel their choice of clothing may give out to different people. Stress that, because you are responsible for keeping both girls safe, a compromise has to be found that is acceptable to both sides. At 13, most girls are well aware of the existence of sexual predators, so don’t hold back from confronting the issue for fear of alarming them unduly.
This requires a two-pronged attack. First, speak to the girl’s mother, saying how you feel and requesting that the clothes she packs are suitable. Second, talk to your daughter. Let her know your feelings and make it clear that just because her friend may be dressing that way, it doesn’t mean she should. And tell her quietly why you feel it’s unacceptable.
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Question:
We’ve enjoyed many extended family holidays, but this year my husband and I want to go away with our friends. How do we tell our teens and 20-something children, and, more critically, their grandparents?
Answer:
Give everyone plenty of warning so they can make other plans for the summer. Depending on the age of your teens, you could offer a suitable alternative holiday. But also challenge any implicit assumption that the family holiday depends on you. Could your grown-up children be invited to think of a holiday that involved their grandparents to a certain extent? They can then let them know their plans and casually tell them that you and your husband have been invited somewhere else this year. If they model supportive, accepting behaviour, you’re unlikely to encounter objections. If they don’t want to organise it without you, contact everyone and explain that while you have tried to pass on the baton, the collective will was lacking. This way, you’re not solely responsible for the disruption of normal service.
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Question:
I’m recently divorced and my kids are going away with my ex. I can’t face holidaying alone, but when friends asked if I’d join them at a holiday house, I said no because it’s all families. Am I wrong to trust my gut instinct?
Answer:
This will be a tough year for you, whatever you do. However, since you can hardly avoid other people’s families, this might be a good time to start forging a positive identity for yourself as a single person. Where better to do this than in the company of your friends? However bruised you may be feeling, try to think how you can positively contribute to the party rather than focusing on your own difficult feelings. If you really can’t face it, look for an adult-only holiday based around an activity or the acquisition of a skill. Empower and distract yourself, and give yourself, your children and your ex-husband the message that you’re not going to curl up and die just because your marriage is over.
Question:
My husband and I long for a weekend on our own, and our 19-year-old says he can take care of our 16-year-old, but I worry about empty-house-with-teens syndrome. Is it too much responsibility for him?
Answer:
Only you can answer this. Every 19-year-old is different, and while one may be responsible, another may be the opposite. The same can be said for 16-year-olds. What are yours like? You need to judge what to do based on past experiences. Have you left them alone before? How was it? If you decide to go, arrange some adult support – a neighbour checking in, perhaps. Could a friend of yours stay at the house, or could your 16-year-old stay with a friend for the weekend?
Question:
Last year, we rented a beach house with our best friends. Their kids are seven and five, but my friend kept reprimanding my children, which I didn’t feel was her place. How do I tell her without creating an atmosphere before this year’s trip?
Answer:
Life is full of courageous conversations we need to have and it looks like it’s your turn. Say that you love spending time with her and her family, but then acknowledge that holidaying with other people’s children can be hard. Explain what happened last time, how it made you feel and suggest you reach an agreement to always talk to each other first before telling off each other’s kids. If your friend is someone who takes things personally, follow up with her later. Being thoughtful and gentle will give you the best chance of your message landing as intended. Better that than bottling up and shouting at her on the holiday.
Before you go, suggest going out for a meal on neutral territory and conduct a low-key post-mortem of last year’s holiday. These people are your best friends, so reiterate how pleased you are to be going away with them again and ask if there is anything your family can do to make their experience better this time round. When your friend (hopefully) reciprocates, accept how difficult all kids can be at times, but tell her it’s probably more effective if you and your husband handle any discipline issues that arise. However, stress that it would help if she and her partner could alert you to any behaviour that needs addressing: you won’t be at all offended.
Question:
Our 17-year-old daughter wants to go on an expensive school trip, but it would leave us short of cash and my 14-year-old without any companionship for our week at the coast. We can’t afford for her to do both. Is it fair to make her miss out?
Answer:
To keep her from going because your 14-year-old will be without a companion feels a little unfair. First, you need to get clear what the main issue is here. Is it that your other child will be alone? If so, is there a friend you could take instead? Or is it purely to do with money? If so, could your 17-year-old try to make some of her own money to help with the cost? Letting her miss out on her trip and forcing her to come on holiday with you may end up in all of you having a miserable time. I would explain the situation to your daughter and see what solutions she can come up with. She may well surprise you.
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