Between dating apps and awkward first dates, finding someone you like-like in today’s dating world is tough. But, when you do find someone that tickles your fancy, you can quickly fall head over heels. Before you get in too deep, though, you’ll need to ask yourself this: are you really in love or just experiencing limerence?
Find out what limerence is, and how it differs from being in love.
Also see: Relationship reboot: how to bring back lost love in a relationship
What exactly is limerence?
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Quite simply, limerence is total and complete infatuation and obsession. It usually involves the person who’s falling hard and fast (the limerent), and the object of their desires. Usually, the limerent’s thoughts are consumed by the other person, so much so that they’ll begin adjusting their lives and behaviours for them.
What’s worse is, that limerence also involves feelings of doubt and constant thoughts of “does this person like me back?”
In short, limerence is all-consuming and uncontrollable.
Love vs limerence
Unfortunately, limerence might make you feel like you’ve met your twin flame or soulmate. On the surface, it might look like love. But it’s not – it’s a form of obsession, and you’ve got the ultimate pair of rose-coloured glasses on.
Love, on the other hand, is a chemical reaction, and a genuine feeling of attachment and commitment. It also doesn’t involve feelings of uncertainty and these feelings are typically reciprocated.
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The 4 stages of limerence
Pre-limerence
Sometimes, our mental state and longing for love primes our minds to fall into the trap of limerence. We would accept the bare minimum with just the promise or idea of love. Our standards are low during this stage, and anyone who ticks just one box might catch our eye and bring out those obsessive feelings.
Infatuation
Once we’ve attached ourselves to this person, our infatuation grows. Thoughts of future weddings, kids, and grandkids become the best thoughts in the world – even after just one date.
This stage could easily lead to blowing up the other person’s phone and pushing unrealistic expectations onto them. This could badly affect your mental health, leading to panic attacks if they don’t respond or reciprocate these wild feelings.
If this behaviour doesn’t push the other person away, it could lead to the next stage.
Crystallization
Crystallization is the stage where those infatuated feelings might begin to “crystalize” into “real” feelings. This can lead to you making rash decisions, like jumping into their bed way too soon, or, going on vacation together before the time is right.
Like Ted Mosby, from How I Met Your Mother, who married “the one” before he knew her (or her eye colour).
Deterioration
This stage is usually when the relationship becomes something more or breaks down completely. The rash decisions could cause some regret from both parties, and their true feelings (or lack thereof) could come to light.
You could easily become disillusioned about your feelings, and you might begin to realize that you’ll never have the person you’re obsessed with.
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