From terrible teens to fractious friends, award-winning psychologist, Dr Cecilia d’Felice shares her top tips to manage conflict and turn temper tantrums around with those close to you.
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The key to manage conflict efficiently is to always stay calm. Here’s how:
Manage conflict with fiery friends
If you thought you had left those friendship spats behind in the playground, think again. When she’s snapping at your every word and has avoided your eye for a week, an argument isn’t far behind. It’s important to know how how to manage conflict here.
Head it off
Stay calm and offer your love and support. You may be grown-ups, but those argument triggers have barely changed since school. She’s likely feeling judged, misunderstood, let down, or that she’s had her toes stepped on.
Don’t be defensive – when negative energies collide, an argument is certainly on the cards. Instead, offer your positive qualities, your compassion and understanding. Give her an outlet to discuss her feelings before she explodes, by asking questions like, “Is everything okay? Can I do anything?”
Heat of the moment
Try to stay calm and separate the problem from the person. Ask what they need, what they want and what they think the solution may be, but don’t feel forced to comply just to appease them – true friendship has boundaries. Make sure you let them save face. The purpose of an argument is not to bully someone into your way of thinking, but to find a way forward where you both win.
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In the aftermath
Say sorry. Let go of your need to win or be right. True friendship thrives on giving those things that you wish to receive, and that includes understanding and forgiveness.
Manage conflict with stroppy spouses
Even in the most stable relationship, the odd argument is a time-honoured way to vent frustration and clear the air. But if your partner sees red over something as simple as emptying the dishwasher, it’s time to stay calm and stop and think before biting back.
Head it off
Don’t react without thinking. If an argument is brewing, there’s a reason for it – and it may not be the thing that’s set him off. Remember the word HALT – Hungry, Agitated, Lonely, Tired; chances are, he’s flying off the handle because he’s one of the four. If he’s taking a bad day at work out on you, give him the space to talk about what’s really going on. Ask him if something else is bothering him, and whether there is anything you can do to help.
Heat of the moment
Even if he is acting like a total swine, it’s best not to tell him – resorting to personal or spiteful remarks will only escalate the problem. Avoid statements like “You make me… You always… You should…”, as they will only put him on the defensive. Instead, be reassuring: “What’s up? Can I help to make it right?”
In the aftermath
When an argument is over, let it be over. Sometimes, that means not having the last word. Don’t drag up past arguments, either. Instead, leave what’s in the past behind you, and always look to a brighter, more understanding future.
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Manage conflict with time-bomb teens
If home life has become one round of door slamming, foot stomping and declarations of “It’s not fair!” after another, you must have a teenager in the house. Don’t panic, it’s not forever, it’s not your fault and remember, it’s not really theirs, either. Teenagers are a cauldron of hormonal activity, and that, teamed with insecurities about their growing body, confusion over their sexual identity, and a need to find their place in the world, sets them on a hair trigger. Unfortunately, parents are seen as a safe haven, making you the first in the firing line. So, what can you do to diffuse the time bomb?
Head it off
No matter how unreasonable or silly you think they are being, talk to them as if the situation is as real as it can be. Don’t patronise them by saying it’s just a stage, but know in your heart that’s exactly what it is.
Heat of the moment
If they’re in full tantrum mode and you’ve passed the point of no return, stay calm and don’t buy into the drama – they may be lashing out because of another problem entirely. Tell them to go and cool off, then sit down with them later with a cup of tea, to find out what’s going on. If they become rude and obnoxious, don’t take it personally, but do call them on it.
In the aftermath
Teenagers learn best through experience and won’t thank you for trying to control them. Sit down and have an open discussion, offering solutions and asking questions. Create a manifesto that you can both sign up to, and give them choices rather than restrictions, or they will feel backed into a corner.
If a curfew is an issue, ask them what they would do in a crisis, and whether they would be willing to call you. If a messy bedroom is your bugbear, try to get them to sign up to a monthly spring clean. Make the process as democratic as possible, set your boundaries, and agree on suitable penalties for overstepping the mark.
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