When you hear the word ‘betrayal’, is infidelity the first thought that comes to mind?
That punch-in-the-gut emotional blow when life as you know it changes forever. It’s no wonder – affairs are a lot more common than most of us would like to think. One in five adults admit to infidelity, while one in three say they have considered it.
Yet these feelings of betrayal are not always caused by just one catastrophically painful event or by a romantic partner – sometimes the disloyalty and broken trust can be in the form of numerous small hurts that slowly build up over time, and can often come from where you least expect.
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This could be the confusion you might have felt as a child when left out of a game, the teenage angst when some innermost secrets were spilled by a best friend, or the crushing disappointment that was felt after finding out that someone you trusted had lied to you.
Sadly, this ‘death by a thousand cuts’ through life can have just as much of a lasting effect as a case of infidelity. And these seemingly small betrayals can, in some ways, be more insidious than large ones, says coach and therapist Danielle Baron.
‘This is because they can be easy to dismiss or rationalise away, but they can still cause significant emotional pain,’ she says. ‘Plus, they can be made worse by those on the outside being more unsympathetic, compared to a larger, more “socially accepted” betrayal.’
If they are left unchecked, these feelings of hurt and resentment can fester. ‘Betrayal can trigger shame and self-doubt as we question our own judgement and ability to accurately assess the intentions of others,’ says Denise Kenny Byrne, a co-founder of The Head Plan.
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Whatever the size of the hurt you experience, it can affect your health and well-being for years to come, if you let it.
The trouble with friends
From Brutus conspiring against Caesar in 44 BC to Judas kissing Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane after the Last Supper, friendship betrayal is nothing new.
Back in the late ’50s, headlines were made when Hollywood stars Debbie Reynolds and Elizabeth Taylor, who had been confidantes since their teens, fell out when the latter had an affair with – and later married – Debbie’s husband.
Fast-forward to today and celebrity fallouts are the norm – some cynics might go so far as to say a necessity to evoke viral publicity. But why are they often so fascinating to us? If you take away the fame, fortune and social media memes they can generate, the upset caused by betrayal is universal.
‘Friends are those we’ve chosen to have in our lives, and we often share experiences with them that we may not share with anyone else,’ says Elle. ‘This level of vulnerability requires a great deal of trust, and when that is broken, it can feel like a significant loss.’
And that’s not all. ‘It can trigger feelings of rejection and abandonment, which can be deeply painful. You may feel like you have lost a significant part of your social support system, and the sense of isolation that can come with that can be overwhelming.’
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So, what can you do if you feel that you’re being wronged by those who are close to you? After all, finding new friends later in life can feel overwhelming for many, and near on impossible for others. Is ditching relationships for good the only way that you can protect yourself from further hurt?
‘It depends on the severity of the betrayal, the relationship you have, and the steps they have taken to make amends,’ says Elle. ‘Trust is not an all-or-nothing concept – it can be broken in one area, but still be present in others. For example, if a friend betrayed you by sharing a secret you told them in confidence, you may still trust them in other areas of your friendship, such as being dependable.’
For both romantic and platonic relationships, it’s natural to feel hesitant about trusting someone again, so take your time. ‘If you feel that you cannot trust them again, that’s OK – it’s important to set boundaries,’ says Elle.
‘On the other hand, holding onto a lack of trust for too long can be damaging to your own mental health. Work through your emotions and find ways to move forward, whether that means rebuilding trust or letting go of the relationship altogether.’
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide.
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5 signs that your trust has been broken
‘While the intensity of the emotions can fade over time, the memory of the betrayal may linger,’ says Denise. Had your fair share of hurt in the past? Elle believes it could show in the following ways:
1. Anxiety and depression
‘Betrayal can cause significant emotional distress, leading to sadness, hopelessness and low self-esteem.’
2. Physical symptoms
‘It can also manifest in headaches, fatigue and g3astrointestinal problems.’
3. Trust issues
‘You may develop a general ense of suspicion and paranoia.’
4. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
‘Betrayal trauma can lead to PTSD, a type of anxiety disorder that is characterised by intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and intense emotional and physical reactions to reminders 5of the traumatic event.’
5. Difficulty forming new relationships
‘Someone who has experienced betrayal may struggle with new relationships or maintaining existing ones.’
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Your healing handbook
Healing from the heartache of having your trust broken? Follow these tips:
Acknowledge the betrayal
‘It’s important to recognise the betrayal you’ve experienced,’ says Denise. ‘Don’t try to brush it off or minimise it. Take the time to process your feelings and work through the pain.’ This could mean writing down your experiences or even saying how you feel out loud in front of the mirror. ‘Allow yourself time to feel all the emotions associated with the betrayal, and acknowledge they are valid and important,’ adds Danielle.
Seek support from others
Talk to a trusted friend, family member or mental health professional for support and guidance. ‘Sharing your emotions with someone you trust can help you feel less alone and provide perspective,’ says Danielle. ‘It helps to talk to someone who is not connected to the situation.’
Be kind to yourself
Avoid self-blame – you are not responsible for the actions of others. Engaging in activities you enjoy can help. ‘Try ones that energise you, such as exercise or socialising, or quieter activities, such as meditation or massage,’ says Danielle. Playing songs that resonate with your betrayal as an outlet can also be beneficial, she says.
Start small
‘It’s OK to take things slowly when it comes to trusting again – work your way up to bigger things as you feel more comfortable,’ says Denise. ‘Remember, healing takes time, and everyone’s journey is different. Be patient and kind to yourself as you work through your feelings and begin to trust again.’
Set boundaries
Do you still want to keep the person who betrayed you in your life? ‘Establish clear boundaries with them, and take steps to protect yourself from future harm,’ warns Danielle. ‘This may involve limiting your contact with the person, depending on the circumstances.’
Turn your pain into power
‘Use the betrayal as energy to learn something new or improve another aspect of your life,’ says Danielle. Always wanted to act but felt too shy? Join a local amateur dramatic group and step out of your comfort zone while in a safe and supportive environment. You could end up meeting new friends who enhance different aspects of your life.
Practise forgiveness
This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or condoning the behaviour. ‘It means letting go of the anger and resentment so you can move forward. Forgiveness is a process, and it may take time,’ says Denise.
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